Bad Week

It's been a horrible week. Everything has been piling in on top of me and I've felt close to suicidal for most of the week. I even got round to starting to write my suicide note... Don't worry though, I mostly wanted to see what I would write rather than planning to actually use it.

I've been terribly tearful and 'vibrating on the spot'... that's the only way I can describe the experience. It's being so full of fight or flight energy I'm scared I will pop, and at the same time having no direction to turn and nowhere to go.

It has been work-related. I've had a catalogue of disasters there this week. The ever-delightful 'puh' has 'helped' me by telling her manager all about my failings, so he's now 'looking into the situation'.

I so much want to slit my wrists it's untrue. Just to have a distraction from how miserable I am feeling and how frustrated and lonely and fed up I feel. But I won't. I don't know for sure why I won't, but I won't. so if you know me, don't worry, but do think of me because I need some support and good vibes to come my way.

System Failure

Today I had a student complain to me because I hadn't returned his calls. This is true, I had forgotten to listen to my voicemails for a week or so. Very rightly, he said "What's the point of havbing voicemail if you don't use it?".

What's upset me, though, is that this was a minor incident that just tipped the scales, but I know I am liable to be the one who gets the most criticism. Any excuse 'puh' can find, she exploits. It won't be the teacher who never acted on this student's request for help in the first place and whose teaching is not meeting the student's needs. Saddened and frustrated and feeling like sh*t.