Rant

I hate bullies. I am feeling bullied again right now. I read once that if you feel you are being bullied, you are.

I also hate people who have no 'adult' setting, and feel that the two groups have a huge amount of Venn diagram-type crossover!

I am angry that I have lost so much confidence through being bullied at work and becoming ill. I realise now that my OCD impacted on my performance at work, because the manner in which I was bullied led to me over-checking things. My extremely high levels of anxiety, my paranoia and my over-checking all impacted on my performance, setting the stage for what followed. I doubt I can ever forgive my bully, 'puh', for keying in to my weaknesses and exploiting them. I had a pre-existing illness and what occurred aggravated it to the point where I reached collapse.

I'm recovering, but it's a case of 'slow and steady wins the race'. Meditation is helping; Reiki is helping; my Support Workers S and D are invaluable to me, as are Jessie and SK. I know I would not still be alive without the people around me who have collectively worked so hard to give me so much respect, affection, love and Unconditional Positive Regard. UPR will be at the heart of the approach I take to peer supporting for Literacy at Mindful Media. Blessed Be all those who are contributing to getting me get well again.



This is an extract from a post first published on the sister site, Ramblings of a Madwoman. More about Mindful Media, CASHH and the idea of Person-Centred Literacy can be found there.

Card 13 - Death

The 13th card in the Major Arcana of the Tarot is Death. This card holds the following meanings: Change, exposure, transition, termination, inevitability.

My experience of being bullied at work, and the consequences thereof, has reached the 13th card. In March 'puh' finally achieved her goal. I was beaten down far enough that I considered self-harming whilst at work and my distress level was such that I asked to go home. That triggered a landslide of circumstances which have now lead to me facing a choice between resignation or dismissal on grounds of incompetency.


I've become more and more ill over the last year, as the stressors have multiplied. I fought all the time, did everything I could, but I am now too ill to function properly in my old job, or in the job I was redeployed to.

Was I set up? Some days I think 'no, it's just an unfortunate combination of events and circumstances, illness, others I think 'Hell, yes!'. It's irrelevant though.

Card 13, contrary to popular belief, is not about endings, but rather is about change.

Everything which is born is destined to die. Our very first death is our birth. Before birth we are at one with the mother, safe and nurtured. Our passage into the physical world is an initiation into the human condition of duality and fear. We find ourselves alone, separate from all that had sustained us and likely to die without care and attention...

Transformation and endings are what are indicated when the death card is turned...

When the death card is reversed it symbolises that either the client is stuck and holding on to something which is over, or needs to end, or that something is being ended against their wishes. In such situations the client often recognises their own dilemma yet cannot see a way around the situation. One of the most common scenarios is when someone has a well paid job which no longer satisfies their needs. To end the job would near enough mean financial ruin, yet all the time they hang on to it they are dying inside.

http://www.toniallen.co.uk/death.html

Discussions held recently with friends have revolved around 'letting go'. I've hung onto the edge of the cliff for so long. I'm utterly depleted. Fear has kept me clinging on to something that's really of no value to me any longer. Time to let go and trust that the Universe will catch me.



Above image courtesy of Avia Venefica

Naffed Off

I'm Ms Angry right now. Old issues are re-surfacing and affecting my mood enough that I can't get on with stuff.

The perennial subject of appraisal and staff development has come around. I want a course, I anticipate that 'puh' will block my efforts at every opprotunity.

The topic of sick leave has re-surfaced via a conversation with a colleague. who also needs to attend regular appointments at hospital.

The most annoying thing right now, though, is that I think there are plans afoot to move my staff room again and that no-one has had the manners or the balls to tell me 'officially' yet.

Grrrrrrr *Stands with fist in the air*

Bad Week

It's been a horrible week. Everything has been piling in on top of me and I've felt close to suicidal for most of the week. I even got round to starting to write my suicide note... Don't worry though, I mostly wanted to see what I would write rather than planning to actually use it.

I've been terribly tearful and 'vibrating on the spot'... that's the only way I can describe the experience. It's being so full of fight or flight energy I'm scared I will pop, and at the same time having no direction to turn and nowhere to go.

It has been work-related. I've had a catalogue of disasters there this week. The ever-delightful 'puh' has 'helped' me by telling her manager all about my failings, so he's now 'looking into the situation'.

I so much want to slit my wrists it's untrue. Just to have a distraction from how miserable I am feeling and how frustrated and lonely and fed up I feel. But I won't. I don't know for sure why I won't, but I won't. so if you know me, don't worry, but do think of me because I need some support and good vibes to come my way.

System Failure

Today I had a student complain to me because I hadn't returned his calls. This is true, I had forgotten to listen to my voicemails for a week or so. Very rightly, he said "What's the point of havbing voicemail if you don't use it?".

What's upset me, though, is that this was a minor incident that just tipped the scales, but I know I am liable to be the one who gets the most criticism. Any excuse 'puh' can find, she exploits. It won't be the teacher who never acted on this student's request for help in the first place and whose teaching is not meeting the student's needs. Saddened and frustrated and feeling like sh*t.

Appraisal 2

I'm pleased to say that my appraisal went far better than I had anticipated. I was still tense and I think that was mutual, but 'puh' and I managed to at least appear to each other to be singing from the same hymn sheet. The targets agreed, though somewhat tight on time, seem achievable and I am hoping there's nothing that I haven't noticed that can come back to bite me on the *ss later...

There is still a contentious issue between us, but I have run out of steam and can't see how to successfully further my cause at present. So overall I rate it a 70% successful event, and given that I always pickl on myself and run down my achievements it's probably a much bigger success than that.

Planning and preparation helped. Paperwork and structure for the meeting helped. Those are my tips for this week.